Valentine's Day, As told by Mario

A good friend of mine turned 21 recently. And just in time for Valentines day, perhaps the least funny of all the holidays.

With regards to the 14th, corporate America has conveniently segmented the entire American population into two distinct demographics. Namely people buying stupid shit for people they care (or don't care) about, and my preferred demographic of those who will spend their hard earned dollars on Whiskey and Ben and Jerry Pints; two products, for which I can say without hesitation, my love is truly unconditional.

These have been floating around on the web for a bit, but remain noteworthy. For educational purposes I have assembled in diagram form a small primer to love, sex, and relationships. Now, I'm no expert in love so I'll let Mario break it down for you. (As it turns out, Mario's cousin, the good Dr. Mario, got his PhD in gynecology from the University of Phoenix Online. So you know... he's a bit of an authority on these matters.)

[Here for More]

The Stash

I read in a book once (jk, it was the Internet) that male facial hair served little to no evolutionary purposes, rather than to assist homosapians in distinguishing between sexes. Similarly, the primary function of the modern mustache is to assert that "I'm one Manley dude."

We haven't made it back to the 70's yet. But look around and you'll see them sprouting up on the chiseled faces of young men everywhere, and with good reason. The mustache is the paragon of masculinity; you don't have to be some sort of super genius or criminal mastermind to comprehend the unrivaled manpower forcefully trapped in the confines of the mustache. Current efforts to quantify the manliness levels present in the mustache place it extremely high, hovering in rank somewhere between hunting an actual human being on a remote island and captain falcon.


For a more comprehensive examination Webster-Online defines the Mustache as follows:

Mustache: The hair growing on the upper lip especially such hair grown and trimmed often in a particular style.
Etymology: The mustache is originally derived from the Greek mystak, meaning upper lip.
Usage: "Hey dude, sweet Stash" or "I want to touch your Mustache"



In reality, the typical mustache is achieved only through arduous daily trainings and sheer force of will alone. It is tough work, but my initial results show promise. Sure enough dear readers I will bring you along with me on this trip. I've been trying, but still have a ways to go. Over the forthcoming months I will be doubling the frequency of my training and mustache related rituals. Utilizing the preservative power of the Internet I will record historical milestones in the cultivation of my mustache.

With hard work and perseverance I aspire to level up my mustache from approximately here

to the rank of grand master, right about here.

Wish me luck.

For those who are interested. Additional Mustache related information and resources can be found at The American Mustache Institute and at Wikipedia.

Hello World. What's Shakin?

What I'm Playing!

Sometime between classes last week, on a quest for notebooks and supplies, I happened upon a shiny new No More Hero's sitting at the bottom of the UStore's minimal, but step in the right direction, game corner for a not too shabby $15, a price point which overwhelmed all but my most basic notions of frugality.

With regards to video games being a quintessential rescission proof commodity, it certainly holds merit that if you know what your doing, a single 8 hour shift at your shitty job will provide you with sufficient rupees to invest in potentially no holds barred gaming bliss that will last you anywhere from a week or so (No More Heroes) to presumably the rest of your waking days (Left4Dead).

As I want to come back to a lot of this for later discussion, I will try and be brief. While the game as a whole has a, not quite AAA budget feel to it, the experience is fully offset in full by Suda 51's spot on grasp of style and flare that permeates the world of Santa Destroy. For a game where you dismember literally thousands of unassuming grunts, the game shows off a remarkably lighthearted atmosphere and contains endearing levels of kink and quirk typically reserved for the Japanese.

With a combat system that revolves largely around the A button, the relatively simple yet engaging controls are pure candy and feel truly at home on the wiimote. The majority of your attacks will end with a brief quick time event pause which will require you to swing your wiimote in the direction of an on screen arrow, enabling you to finish your combo with a gratifying flick of the wrist and a whole fuck ton of blood. In conjunction with the wrestling combos which also call for less conventional usages of the wiimote motion inputs, No More Heroes successfully reminds us why swinging our tiny $40 plastic wand is so damn fun.

I still have about five battles ahead of me before I can assume my mantle as ultimate bad ass, but its the journey not the destination, right? Well, signing out. There are urgent matters, such as Managerial Accounting that must be attended to. Tune in next time.